Ep 8 - Gay God, Childhood Trauma, and Warm Jello with Matthew Lush
Timestamps:
Gay God, Rainbow Microphones, and Meeting Matthew — 0:00
The Origin of Gay God — MySpace, Boyfriends, and Going Viral — 1:14
The Cost of Being Visible — Trolls, Death Threats, and Gina — 5:20
Ten to Twelve Internet Personalities and the Early Days — 10:31
Coming Out at Fourteen and Blazing the Trail — 21:05
Clara Bear, Gay Houses, and Moving Back to Orlando — 22:53
Rainbows, Pride Fatigue, and a Less Colorful World — 24:41
Defining Queerness and Matthew is Basically a Lesbian — 38:45
Proudest Moments and Being a Voice — 44:42
Trauma Dumping, Emotional Weight, and Bartenders of the Internet — 47:04
Coming Out to Family and Learning to Forgive — 51:27
Warm Jello, Mashed Potato Pizza, and the Last Question — 1:07:30
Gay God, Childhood Trauma, and Warm Jello with Matthew Lush
Some people have been doing this so long that the internet itself grew up around them. Matthew Lush is one of those people.
Matthew — aka Gay God — has been a presence online for twenty two years. Before TikTok lives, before creator houses, before sponsorship managers and media training, he was on MySpace posting pictures of himself and his boyfriend and accidentally becoming one of the first openly gay voices on the internet. He came out at fourteen. He did it on camera. And he kept going even when the world made it very clear that some people would rather he didn't exist at all.
This episode is about what that actually costs — and what it builds.
The Gay God Origin Story
The name came from a friend who looked at the way people responded to Matthew online and said, simply, that it was like he was a gay god. Matthew made it his username. The rest, as they say, is internet history.
What's remarkable about Matthew's origin story isn't the fame — it's the timing. There were maybe ten to twelve people doing what he was doing at that point. The tools were primitive, the audience was small, and the hostility was enormous. Death threats were a daily occurrence and the cost of being visible before queer visibility was celebrated was very, very real.
He kept going anyway.
The Cost of Being Visible
One of the most important conversations in this episode happens around what it actually means to be a creator people turn to when they have nowhere else to go. Matthew talks about the videos he made about self-harm — not because he wanted to be an advocate, but because it was real and he was going to talk about it. Those videos saved lives. People have told him so directly.
But absorbing that kind of weight — being the person thousands of strangers reach for in their darkest moments — has a cost. Wendy names it perfectly: creators are the bartenders of the internet. They're there every night, absorbing everything, and nobody asks how they're doing.
Coming Out to Family
This is where the episode gets quiet and heavy in the best possible way.
Matthew came out at fourteen and it did not go well. His dad didn't accept it. His mom kicked him out. The people who were supposed to be his first safe place weren't. What followed was years of figuring out how to exist without that foundation — and eventually, slowly, imperfectly, finding a way back to his parents that allowed for something like forgiveness.
It's not a tidy story. It's not a redemption arc with a bow on it. It's just honest. And honest is what Tongue First does best.
What Would Sixteen Year Old Matthew Think
One of the most disarming moments of the episode comes when Siren asks Matthew what his sixteen year old self would think of who he is now. His answer is warm and funny and a little heartbreaking all at the same time — the way answers to that question usually are when they're real.
The Rest of It
Because it is still Tongue First: Gina and the teeth trolls, Wendy's legendary troll response energy, rainbow aesthetics and pride fatigue, defining queerness, Matthew being canonically a lesbian, the lesbian nail question, a passionate debate about mashed potato pizza, and warm jello as a metaphor for something we will not be explaining here.
Find Matthew Lush at MatthewLush.com and on TikTok at @MatthewLush.
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Tongue First is a sapphic and queer podcast hosted by Aubrey "Siren" Jones and Wendy Reeves. New episodes every Monday. Find us at tonguefirstpodcast.com and support the show on Patreon at Tongue First: After Hours.
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Until next time — stay curious, stay queer, and don't forget to lick responsibly.
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